Make Me a Servant, Lord, But Only If It Doesn't Infringe on My Comfort Zone Thanks

Wow!  As I look back on my previous post and realize that it was FOUR YEARS AGO (gasp!), I realize how much has gone on in my life!

I could talk about it.  I could tell you about how my 2015 has gone.  About how my son (who was a freshman the last time I blogged) is now a *gulp!* Senior who is driving and working and learning what it's like to be a grown man.  I could tell you about our family's transition from oil field to franchise that has shaken our finances, or family, and our faith.  I could tell you about the recent loss of a dear friend and her family... Not to death, mind you, but to a lack of forgiveness, anger, and a strong influence from Satan himself, the Father of lies and deceit.

I will probably get around to talking about those life-altering things eventually, someday, when it is relevant.  But on this day, God has led me to write about this amazing book that my Ladies Bible Class is reading by Jen Hatmaker called, Interrupted: When Jesus Wrecks Your Comfortable Christianity.  The title is heavy, I know, but the content is crazy uncomfortable!  Before I get into that, however, I feel like I should explain a little bit about myself first.

I am, in fact, an outgoing introvert (it's a thing, look it up) and, although I get worn out, and my day usually gets interrupted by a headache and/or a nap, I thrive on surrounding myself with people in "need".  More specifically, people who "need" me.  I love feeling useful and I love helping people and being there for people and supporting people.  I mean, as the child of missionaries, I am used to getting "out there" and loving on "the least of these" (Matthew 25:40), which is what much of Jen Hatmaker's book is comprised of.  My wonderful husband Rob, who has an affinity for words that I cannot even describe, has affectionately told me, "You know, some people take in stray puppies, but you take in stray people."  Thanks, Babe, my friends love it when they are referred to as "strays" *insert side-eye here*.  In his defense, I have an amazing support group, and they are not, by any means, "stray puppies".  I do, however, call them my "motley crew", because we are all so differently and beautifully and wonderfully made; so uniquely damaged, which makes for an amazing variance in perspective, experience, and opinions.  My posse provides an accountability group that can move mountains and work miracles (allow me to take a moment to thank God for these amazing people)!

Okay, back to the topic at hand: I love helping people, right?  Well, recently I had a very dear friend (mentioned above) whom, for the sake of lessening drama, we will call "Miriam," even though anyone who knows me personally knows exactly who I'm talking about.  For the last 4 years or so, we helped Miriam and her family.  Rob and I helped them raise money to hire a lawyer when her sleazy ex-husband took her kids from her. Rob helped her current husband "Bernard" get a job working with him in the oil field, including helping pay for him to get his Commercial Driver's License.  Our church put Miriam, Bernard, and their 5 children on the Angel Tree, to ensure they had a good Christmas, and gave them food on several occasions.  When Miriam's daughter was born with severe health issues and spent her first 3 months of life in the hospital, both our biological and church families rallied around them and covered them in prayer and support.  We were there when her family turned their backs on her.  We were her children's godparents.  We were family.  Our husbands were brothers.  We were sisters.  I had the privilege of baptizing her, for crying out loud!!!  Then suddenly, seemingly out of the blue, all of that was gone.  Yes, I made mistakes.  Yes, I accept some blame in the crumbling of our sisterhood.  True, I did not always act like the exemplary Christian that I should have.  Yes, I am imperfect in many, many ways.  But I gave so much of myself to her and her family.  I gave my time, my heart, my money, my family, my friends to her, in hopes that she would learn the Magic of Friendship (yes, as a matter of fact, that was a My Little Pony reference).  In hopes that she would see what true family is all about.  In hopes that she would see God's unconditional love, which she had never experienced before.  And for what?  Well, Jen Hatmaker states:

    "This facet of broken and poured out for [the hopeless]?  Not what I envisioned.  A romanticized notion of social compassion gets trashed once you actually turn your bias to the bottom. It is far more nuanced than the pamphlets let on.  This is where sometimes instead of a 'thank you,' you get a '!%&# you.' Deep disappointment exists here.  Betrayal resides here.  Rip-your-eyes-out frustration lives here."

What?!  How could she possibly know what I was feeling?  How could she pinpoint, with such painful accuracy, how much this experience that has truly shaken, not my faith in God, but my confidence in myself?  Ouch!

But God doesn't call us to conditional love.  He doesn't say "Feed my sheep... but only the ones that appreciate it" or "love the least of these... but only if they turn around and return it tenfold" or "help the needy... but only if you're sure they won't go off and buy liquor."  Quite the contrary, friends!  Jesus himself knew he was going to be betrayed, hurt, even killed, but he continued to love and to care and to give and show mercy to those very unappreciative people.  To me.  To Miriam and Bernard.  To all of us, really.  God does not make mistakes, y'all.  He put Miriam and her family in my path, and I believe that I fulfilled my purpose in their lives, and they fulfilled their purpose in mine, even if it wasn't the outcome we expected.  Jen says:

   "[Jesus'] grace was theirs for the asking until they drew their last breaths, even if all they could offer Him was a lifetime of hatred and one moment of repentance."

So, I will continue to be there for those whom God puts in my path.  I will continue to be imperfect and completely undeserving of God's grace and mercy.  I will continue to fulfill my ministry which, may not mean being a missionary in a foreign country, like my parents, but to those who need it, right here in the city of San Antonio, in the state of Texas, in these United States of America.  After all, the hymn I sang at the top of my voice as a child in the pews, "Here am I!  Lord, send me.  Here am I!  Ready at thy bidding, Lord, send ME."

Time Flies When You're......

"I count it as a privilege
I count it cause for praise
to kiss my children goodnight
at the close of everyday
for I know too soon they're off and gone
and walkin' out the door
and I'll never have a child to kiss
goodnight anymore"
-Steve and Annie Chapman "Goodnight Kiss"


As I sit in front of my laptop, thinking about what to write, my biggest question is, where has the time gone?? I was going to get my life organized, I was going to keep up with my blog, I was going to spend more time with friends...sigh...but, really, the one thing that has me the most baffled is: When did my first-born child become a HIGH-SCHOOLER?!?!? This is what elementary and middle school have been preparing him for all these years. These next four years will prepare him for college, and his performance will directly affect his ability to get into said college and...deep breath...

This year marks the true beginning of his adulthood.  All of the values, the morals, the things that I have tried to instill in him over the course of his youth will have the opportunity to show themselves!  From the time he was born, I knew that God had a great plan for him, and I feel like I have done my best to "train [him] up in the way he should go" (Prov. 22:6) and all I can do is sit back and hope he doesn't "depart from it."

My favorite friend (and "other mother" to my children), Kim, has done a great job of assuaging my fears and anxieties about this whole high school ordeal, reminding me that James is a great kid, and more than ready for the year ahead: he's friendly, he's eloquent, he's respectful, he's intelligent and charismatic (not to mention excellent taste in music!), etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.  After all:

 

But.....he's also a teenager: he has little motivation, little assertiveness, lots of procrastination (he gets that from his mother!), tons of attitude and teenage angst, and a lot of confusion and questions that he may never share with me.  Kim says that it is time for me to begin the transition from "mom" role to "friend" role because James will need to feel like he can come to me with anything.  To be honest, I don't remember when my mother became my friend, and I'm not sure how to take on that role for James without losing the parental respect that he has for me now.

Anyway, I truly believe that God allowed me to quit work at just the right time, and I will make the most of this time as I commit to being the best support I can be to my son who needs me so much right now - whether he knows it or not!

To God be the glory, GREAT things He has done!

Exercise Is Not Just For The Birds

*WARNING: Haters who are going to read this and criticize and say things like, "I wish I had your 'problem'" or "I don't know what you're talking about, you don't need to lose weight" or "I hate you because you're skinny" may feel free to skip over this blog because it's really irritating*

Those of you who know me know that I often say that different things are "for the birds".  If I don't like to it or don't want to do it, or just feel like being difficult, I simply say, "Forget that! It's for the birds."  Also, those of you who know me know that I am extremely thin.  I always have been, it's in my genes, and I have never had to work at keeping myself looking fit.  I use the term "looking" fit because I am probably not as healthy as I look on the outside.  I don't eat healthy, I don't exercise, and I probably don't take care of my body the way that I should.  My best friend (who is also very thin) came up with the term "skinny-fat" which, in my opinion, describes me perfectly.  When people ask me questions about my health, I tell them I don't have the discipline to stick to a diet or exercise program to stay healthy: I eat what I want, when I want, and that is a very wrong attitude.  Whether you're skinny or not, proper diet and exercise is important because our bodies change over time.  Age is a huge factor in body changes and, as the road to 40 fast approaches, I need to take that into account, especially as I'm noticing that my arms flap when I wave and the cellulite on my thighs isn't going away by itself.

That being said, I have just done a workout session and as I'm sitting here, body shaking and knowing I'm going to be sore later, I can't help but come up with a few thoughts:
1. I hate exercise. 
2. I take my thin figure for granted.
3. I need to tone my body, so that I can maintain my current size/weight/figure.
4. I hate exercise.
5. I will commit to being healthy.

This means that I will do my little routine on an almost-daily basis and I will begin to "feel the part" of a skinny girl....maybe I'll even do a half marathon....whatever it takes to get myself to the me I want to be for the rest of my life.

All the Glory be to God!

If This is What 34 Feels Like.....Let's Get Ready To RUMBLE!!!!

"'Cuz I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own, I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me."
-Francesca Battistelli "Free To Be Me"

This song pretty well describes me... After 34 years, I'm realizing that it's okay to be who I am and that I really don't have to explain myself to anyone....besides God.

Well, I'm doing it - I'm starting a blog! The main reason I'm doing it is because I have people ask me constantly, "How's it going?", "What are you doing?", "What's going on in your life?"  I find myself not knowing exactly what to say, since I so often get preoccupied with the stress that happens on a day-to-day basis; I really feel like saying (respectively), "I'm going crazy - want to come?", "I'm working like a dog, but I should be sleeping like a log", "My life is a whirlwind of caos and confusion, how about you?"  It was around Thanksgiving when I realized that maybe my problem was in my outlook on everything....I came to the conclusion that, I really can't change anything except for my own attitude.  Needless to say, I changed my attitude, decided to take a different approach to the stresses in my life and - Voila! - I have been MUCH happier ever since!

I have a 13-year old son who is entirely too intelligent for his own good, yet has no common sense; I have a 9-year old step-daughter who is being raised in a manner that is different from how I would raise her if she lived with me; I have a 3 1/2 year old daughter who is going on 16 and has as much attitude as my 13-year old....drama majors, ALL OF THEM!  Oh, let us not forget the husband who works extremely hard in he oil field, which keeps him gone for 3 weeks out of the month (he comes home for 1 week a month, but there will be more on that later); not to mention the job that works me entirely too hard... There are so many things in my life that I could complain about and yet, every day I wake up warm, I'm able to feed my children who are healthy and well-dressed, I'm in good health and have a great job that I love, I have family and friends that support me and love me and care about me, and a husband who loves me and does his best to provide for his family.........

In short, as I sit here, on my birthday, and contemplate my position, all I can say is..."I am Blessed".